Letter to a Lost Friend

It's closing in on a whole year from the day you were taken from us. It has been a difficult year, one of the - if not the - most mentally challenging in my life. Not only has missing you brought me a lot of sadness, it has amplified my emotions & brought up grief for other lost relationships in my life. I never could have imagined the effect losing you so suddenly would have on my life & because of that I wish I would have made more of an effort to spend more time with you. It took not having the option to talk to you to really reflect on our relationship & what it meant to me. I made a promise to spread love & positivity, be a cheerleader for others, make more of an effort to stay in touch with the people most important to me & create more experiences & adventures with my family, just as you did every day. Shortly after the accident I had a vision of you walking toward me with your usual enthusiasm & a huge smile that showed you were genuinely really happy to see me. I want to have that effect on others.  But I can't help but feel like I have failed at this so far. It is like someone has dimmed the lights & it takes so much more energy to navigate my way around. I am tired. My emotions are heightened like senses trying to compensate for the inability to see clearly. My sad feels sadder, my love feels longing, & the occasional burst of gratitude feels more thankful. I feel deeper & am unsure of how to deal with these emotions. At the end of the day I find it very difficult to find the energy to fulfil these promises I made to myself, to you. But I know you would be very forgiving, because that's who you are. Your optimistic attitude would pick the positives out of each situation & assure me it will all work out in the end. I'm still looking for my way into the sun, so that I can forgive myself too. And  as I turn each corner it gets a little brighter & slightly easier to navigate my way out of this dark hallway. From you I find glimpses of optimism, of hope, I hold onto them, knowing that, in time, I will eventually find that better version of myself I promised to be.

Grief

Jan 4. 2016 I received a message on Facebook from Chanda's brother asking me to call him. Strange, I thought. No, it can't be bad news. Maybe they are planning a surprise for her. But there was an alarm of urgency so I called him immediately. He asked if I was sitting down. I sat down. Not good news. Chanda & her entire family had been in a car accident the night before. Chanda & her husband Jordan didn't make it. Their kids, close in age with my two oldest, were taken to the hospital, Where Maguire passed away & Kamryn was on life support. They were just saying their goodbyes to her. Instant shock. Light headed. Denial of my ow. Feelings. All I could think was how hard this must be for her brother, to have to call all her friends & deliver this tragic news. And grateful f or including me so I didn't have to hear it from the media. I called my mom & choked out the mews. I think she was as shocked as I was.

It was a drunk driver that crashed into Chanda & Jordan. At first, I was angry. Angry at people for making the decision to drink & drive. But my anger subsided quickly. I wanted to spend my energy on the legacy of my friend & her family.

The next week passed by in slow motion. Sleep was non-existent, I just couldn't turn it off. At first I'm embarrassed to say I was in denial of the extent of my relationship with Chanda. We were so many people closer to her than me, we hardly talked, we weren't that close. I didn't deserve to feel sorry for myself, when there were so many people, namely their family, who have been hit so much harder by this tragedy. Save the grief for them.  But the truth was Chanda was one of my oldest, dearest friends - we grew up with a shared passion for hockey, spent every day together on & off the ice during university, she was the only friend I knew in Moose Jaw when we moved here & I had the honour of being a bridesmaid at her & Jordan's wedding. As our families grew, we saw less & less of one another, but she always made a point of checking in genuinely interested in my well being & always cheering me on no matter what was happening in my life. In retrospect it seems pretty silly to think that wasn't a valid enough reason to feel sad when I lost her, but perhaps this was my minds way of trying not to feel so much at once.

The accident created questions, life didn't seem as simple as it once was. I suddenly felt very vulnerable. The what ifs. How a split second would have changed their fate. How being in the wrong place at the wrong time changed everything. How is this fair? Why them? Chanda & Jordan made such a positive impact on the people around them. This world needs them. Their loved ones need them. My children became vulnerable too. How is it possible for the lives of children that young to end so suddenly? It could have been us.

During those first couple weeks I was consumed, obsessed with social media.  Jordan had a pretty high profile through his photography & his friends were bringing people together through Facebook. Looking for a place where my feelings, my sadness was validated, & that was it. It was a place of hope, sharing, support, understanding & I spent hours looking to fill the huge void I had in my heart. I connected with others who knew Chanda as well or better than me.  I was inspired by the amount of people that joined in celebrating this beautiful family & it helped to process infinite spiral of thoughts swirling in my head. Constantly reminded to not take life for granted.

The funeral was tough, but helped to lift a weight that bared my shoulders...a little bit of closure. Seeing our old hockey friends, most of who I have lost touch with, was a bit nostalgic. It gave me that feeling of belonging, & reminded me of how tight we once were. Another little reminder of cherishing my relationships & experiences.

It wasn't long before all the media & Facebook hype wore off & coping became a little harder, that support network was diffusing. I was no longer surrounded by the attention this tragedy had been getting & the world had started to move on, but I hadn't really. I still wanted to talk about it because what I felt was so strong. But people got weird when I would bring it up. I felt like it made them uncomfortable. They didn't understand (how could they?) I felt like it was old news, so I shared less & less. In fear of making others uncomfortable or bringing them down, I kept most of what I felt unsaid.

The trial consumed me as much as the initial days following the accident. I was hit unexpected by the need to follow & spent the entire day following. News stations were tweeting a play-by-play of victim impact statements & I couldn't stop reading them. I was given the opportunity to write one, but chose to pass it up...I imagined how hard it was for Chanda & Jordan's closest family & friends to talk about how this affected them.

I could never had predicted how much losing a friend would affect my life over the last year. And although with time it has gotten a little easier, there are still changes I notice that loom. First the anxiety. Something that hasn't really been an issue for me since my early 20s.waves of it creep up on me & it's mere presence concerns me. Sometime I can't even decipher its source or what I am anxious about, it's just that wound up feeling inside, making me feel all amped up. I start to focus on things that feed it. Other times I worry about things I normally wouldn't & it feels out of character. I worry more about my children, having flashes of terrible things happening to them. I drive with nervey caution & often have visions or thoughts of other cars crashing into me. One time I lost track of my baby for a minute & started to panick. I had thoughts of him choking unconscious on his bedroom floor. Thoughts of police at my door with bad new stuff about my husband while he was working the night shift. Things that never used to consume my thoughts so often. Bad news in the world hits me so much harder than it would normally, it seems like such a waste to worry about all these things beyond my control.

I've lost interest in things I used to really enjoy & lack the motivation to go do them. Working out (despite telling myself I would take better care of myself with respect to Chanda who always encouraged me to push myself to my best) has become difficult & like a chore. Even hockey, my best sport, isn't as appealing as it used to be. I have more health problems, food sensitivities, injuries than I have in years. On low days we don't leave the house, the thought of hauling everyone out is completely overwhelming.

I used to get a lot out of being around other people, going to gatherings, a break from home. It took a while to realize that I wasn't feeling any less stressed after a night out, sometimes it just caused more anxiety. Until this year, I've always felt a social responsibility to go out of my way to make sure the people around me are happy, but I stopped caring to do that, I just didn't have the energy. Giving to my children I see about all I can muster up these days taking a toll on my relationship with my husband, my very understanding husband.

I made a promise to myself & to Chanda, her family, that I would live life more fully, with more intention. To spread positivit as they had, to ask others about what's going on. I their lives like Chanda did always with me. To smile more. To make more of an effort to keep in touch with the important people in my life. To love more. To take my kids outside more, go on more family adventures, focus less on the material & emphasize experiences, like Chanda & Jordan. I had a vivid dream of Chanda with her big smile walking toward me as if she was genuinely really happy to see me. It made me feel like somebody important.  I want to make others feel that way too. At first I was so inspired to be this person, but with time it has become more difficult to get there. Guilt for not keeping to my promise sits in the pit of my stomach.

Not all bad has come from this, as much as it saddens me, sometimes it takes something drastic to make a real impact. For me, I am much more conscientious about the time I spend with my children. Rules of less time on our phones, & more face to face interactions. Taking time to talk to my kids about the important things in life. Teaching them to be true to themselves & do what is right. This has been my focus. Letting go of material possession with much more ease, in realization that they do not contribute to my happiness & at times bring more stress to my life. I've learned to let go of a certain level of perfection & to be kind to myself during my struggle. Lower expeciations & shift my focus to the most important aspects. Lessened value of material stuff, heightened value in experience & relationships. Taking care of my own needs, rather than putting others before mine when it becomes detrimental to my mental health. Touch base with the friends I don't hear from often & even be more open with the people in my life, expressing my gratitude for their presence in my life. This is a work in progress none-the-less, but something I have become better at it. I know this low won't last forever, & although I do think this loss will have changed my life from that moment, and although I have a ways to go, I do think it will make me a better person in the long run.

Feeling Deeply

Some days your emotion becomes too big to comprehend. You feel things that you don't know how to explain to another person. It comes in cycles. You have a strong understanding of why the heart is associated with love and with pain, because that is the area in where the deepest of emotion pits. Knots. Heaviness. Energy. Inspiration. Gratitude. All depending on the day.

The low days bring a dullness to your world, colours are a little less vibrant & your view narrows into tunnel like focus The thought of everyday tasks deplete your energy & there's a part of you that just wants to curl up underneath the covers & stay there until the dullness subsides. Your dedication to the people around you allow you to carry on, but not at your top performance, you know it. But it doesn't really matter. Gravity tugs at your heart. Sadness. Sometimes too sad to cry. Fatigue. Things you usually love to do lose your interest. It's hard to understand where this lull is coming from, let alone trying to explain it to someone who won't understand. You don't want to be a burden to your loved ones, & feel less than worthy of it anyway, so you keep it inside & carry on. 

Anxious thoughts, feelings, knots sometimes accompany. Tension rises & it frustrates you to not know where it comes from. Headaches. You make up scenarios of the 'what ifs,' they suck up your energy. These don't come on very often so the feelings are foreign to you when they do. They disrupt your motion, just in trying to figure them out. Worry. Thoughts of bad things happening to the people you love. 

Eventually the feelings fade & normalness comes back. Refocus. All the things you should be feeling, good & bad days, laughter & frustration, fear, motivation...every day motions. Balance. You work harder, play harder. Your feel like normal real person again, validated. You look forward to your days, & have a general appreciation for your life, your people. Aspirations reappear, motivation, goals. Proud for your accomplishments. Organization, picking up the pieces neglected & the feeling of wholeness comes back. Life is good.

Then a more vibrant energy encompasses your heart & you start feeling more energized. It comes in spurts, even within a day, but it's a feeling you cannot ignore, distracting. Creativity flows in, in waves. You become aware of the beauty of your surroundings, inhale. Overzealous feelings of gratitude. You want to share the love & gratitude you have for the people in your life, but a little afraid of how that might look, knowing that these feelings are so strong & will come & go. You feel an immense appreciation for the things you have in life, but new wants come on strong -- new experiences, stronger connections. Aspirations. Inspiration. Ideas & ideas flow in so quickly you cannot keep track, the possibilities are endless! Your heart opens & you allow it to feel fully. To feel the pain of others who ache, tears for past loves you have had to let go & wanting so badly to reconnect. You find it difficult to focus on mundane tasks of life, you want more to fill this yearning. You know this feeling will pass, so you hold fast while it lasts, experience it, not wanting to let it go.

You don't really know what this is or if it is anything at all, but you do know that not everyone feels these things to this extent. You can tell those that thrive on a much more simple level. There are days you wish you were more like them. But you know the highs wouldn't be there if it weren't for the lows. Creativity cannot be without lulls. You trust, however, that there are others out there that do feel this way, others who may understand what you feel. You don't talk much about it, afraid of being labeled crazy, weird, different. You've let only the closest in, they sometimes don't understand & it doesn't always help, sometimes it does. But you know it helps to know others experience what you do & you think there is more to this than people lead on. So you consider taking a chance & putting yourself out there, I hope that it may be helpful to someone else like you. You fear that they will look at you differently. Judgement. Rejection. Nervous, but you decide to accept yourself for the whole person you are, the real human emotions you feel, the beautiful creation that you embody. Breathe in. And press publish.

 

 

 

The Drinking & Driving Mentality

There is no excuse for driving drunk. Let's get this in our heads.

Yesterday was a tough day for friends & family of the Van De Vorst family that was killed in a care accident back in early January. The drunk driver that ran into them was sentenced to 10 years in prison. The family's closest loved ones appeared in court, reading victim impact statement after statement, hoping to send the message of the magnitude of this incident on their lives.

The days following the accident I didn't think much of the accused. Many people were angry at her, the city, the law...we were all dealing in our own ways. A friend, not directly connected to the family asked me "Doesn't this make you so mad???" At first I was angry, not at her, but at all the people that choose to drink & drive, at the selfishness & the disregard for the people they could hurt. This anger subsided & I vowed to focus my energy on the legacy left behind by this beautiful family that I miss so dearly.

The days leading up to the court date & yesterday, many of these feeling of frustration & anger have resurfaced.  I woke up yesterday distracted - and not unlike the days following the accident, I was consumed by social media. I followed the news reporters live tweets of the court session, consumed by the details, by how others close to this family were affected, how the accused reacted, the outcome of the ruling. The public's reactions. I felt sad for the family, how hard it must have been to relive the day they lost their children, sister, brother, neice, nephew, cousins...and can only hope that it was not for nothing.

There has been a lot of finger-pointing since this incident, people want to blame one person for this tragedy. I'm convinced the Catherine McKay knows the brutality of the mistake she has made & has taken full responsibility for this. I'm not saying what she did was ok, but I do think it is time stop pointing fingers at her & look at the bigger picture - as McKay has vowed to do - to take a stand & change this mentality that is taking innocent lives. This is not one person's problem. It is a provinces problem. A nation's. A society's problem. But I am at a loss how to change the mentality of such a large population so stuck in their ways.

Saskatchewan has a ridiculous rate, 3 times the national average, for drunk drivers. People are full of small-town excuses, we've all heard them: 'It won't happen to me,' 'I don't have a way to get home,' 'Everyone does it,' 'People's judgements are blurred when they have a few.' But there is no justified excuse for getting behind the wheel intoxicated. For risking your life. For risking the lives of others.

Today I woke up feeling a loss of faith in humanity. Part of me has given up on the idea that people will change their ways, the idea of an end to drinking & driving. I've never understood the mentality of it. A little piece of me hangs on to the hope that people can & will change. Although it is unfortunate that it takes a tragedy of this magnitude to change people's ways, I like to think it is enough to spare at least one life (or four) and hopefully more. But how to change the rest of the habitual drunk drivers? Even the occasional ones....or that person that does it for the first time. Is it up to us - those impacted enough by the losses caused by these terrible mistakes - to influence the people around us? Is it enough?

To me it is simple. It is a shift in perspective. If you preach don't drink & drive, they will not change their ways. Because as soon as they start to drink, they will make stupid decisions. But think of it this way: if you are going to drive, don't drink.

I just wish it was this simple for everyone else.

Self-Portrait Saturday: Me Time

Well another week has gone & come & I did not come up with a new self-portrait so I am cheating with one I took a few weeks back...and that's ok, because I make the rules! I got out for a little much needed me time today, went for a run in the company of my favorite playlist, & did some soul searching. I feel like this photo is a good representation of that.

 

Self-Portrait Saturday: Here I Am

This is about as real as I get...after a day of the flu, no make up on, hair in a ponytail. Annnnnnd until my tripod shows up from its mystery place, you may be stuck with pixelated cell phone selfies. Here I am.

 

My Distracted Life

For a long time, I have craved a simpler life. The idea of living out of a camper & travelling for a year slightly appeals to me. Or living away from western civilization, in a small house with a wood burning stove, living off the land. Or travelling the world as a photo journalist, experiencing other cultures that live off the land. And though I don't think I would ever do these things for real, there is a luxury in the idea of escaping this competitive, overbooked life, ruled by technology, that we tend to lead.

I feel overwhelmed all the time. And exhausted. Surely, three kids is challenging, but does it really have to be this hard? My mother had twice as many of us, she survived. I'm not saying it wasn't hard at times & I imagine she was twice as overwhelmed as me at times, but somehow I can't help but think that we (my generation) have created this recipe for failure, social media being the main culprit...

Since the birth of my 3rd child I have attempted to eliminate what I thought were causing this overwhelming sense. Simplifying my social responsibilities - stepping down from the Moose Jaw Camera Club Executive, leaving the Business Women of Moose Jaw, & taking a hiatus from my business - was supposed to be the answer.  These decisions are supposed to allow me to maximize my potential as a mother & enjoy it while my children are young. But since, I feel I have done quite the opposite. By ridding of these other responsibilities I have put my role as a mother on a pedestal, a self-proclaimed status quo I have been unable to achieve. My stress levels are more often than not though the roof, & despite every good intention in my busy little brain, I can't seem to break the cycle.

Just last week, I was reading this blog post (which, ironically - or not - I came across on my phone while at home with my kids...) by Hands Free Mama on yelling at your kid.  It couldn't have come across my feed at a better time. It was a particularly hard day, & felt as if my reactions had no effect on my children whatsoever & I was easily frustrated. In fact, I may or may not have snapped the head off a barbie in front of my kids out of frustration because her boot wouldn't fit... I had also been struggling with the fact that my oldest, who has always been a very kind person, was developing an attitude & I didn't like the person she was becoming.

Upon reading the blog post, & with further investigation into the author, I discovered her theory on how we create distractions that are taking away from our quality of life.  That's when things started to really become clear.  I was causing the problem. I am responsible for my actions. Not my kids. My daughter was mimicking me, my attitude toward life, toward the people around me & treating them like I was treating her. I was so distracted, that I reacted without intention, yelled all the time, & constantly felt a general sense of failure in all areas of my life. The next day I pledged to stop yelling at my children. I lasted almost a day. My 3 year old even called me on it when I hollered at my 9 month old to get something out of his mouth. Sheesh!

Since intentions only get you so far, this realization has sent me on a mission. I have since looked into ways to lessen these inhibiting distractions that are getting in the way of my happiness. I have often thought about leaving Facebook & removing all the apps on my phone. Maybe I will yet. But for now I have been using an app called Moment (highly recommended) which keeps track of your cell phone usage, making you accountable for all the time you spend perusing on your phone, when you could be doing something more conducive to your well-being. Turning off notifications & resisting checking the phone every 5 minutes (if you text me & I don't reply right away, now you know why!) Creating no-phone zones, such as the kitchen table, bedroom & while I am holding the baby. Adopting 3 item per day to do lists, so that my goals are more achievable. Also, I've been collecting things around the house for a garage sale, less stuff = less organizing/cleaning = less stress, right?

Wanting to know more, I ordered the blog author's book, Hands Free Mama: A Guide to Putting Down the Phone, Burning the To-Do List, and Letting Go of Perfection to Grasp what Really Matters!, which arrived today, highly anticipated. I am really looking forward to delving into this book more, finding ways to reconnect with my children, & enjoy the things I used to. Lowering my unrealistic expectations of myself & of my children, so to feel like a success again. Being present. This is going to take a lot of work, but I am determined to make this shift in my life. Stay tuned for my progression on this journey, and do join me if you feel the need to do so!