The Function of My Depression

This month started out really well for me. On the first of May I sent a message to a friend that simply read "It's going to be a great day!" And I meant it, and it was. The sun was shining.  I had declared my paintings finished and delivered them to the art gallery. With it came great sense of accomplishment. After a long hard winter things were looking up.

I was able to hold onto this 'good feeling' for a couple weeks, the longest I've felt it in months. Emotionally I had felt like I was on a winning streak. Sure, I had my ups and downs, my moods, but never to the point where they felt unmanageable. I felt grounded. Normal, really.

Then the depression came knocking, at first a light tap on the door, but eventually banging with a vengeance. It's presence was quite familiar to me and I know too well the inevitable nature of its cycle. My observer self watched as the depression dug in a little deeper each day and within a few days I was back to that pull-the-covers-over-my-head state. Frustrated. I knew the stability I had felt just prior wouldn't last, it never does, but I suppose I'm always clinging to the hope that it will stay longer than it does.

So I found myself at a level of functioning that takes much more of my attention than what seems ideal, and consequently removes me from being present with my loved ones. Sadness, sensitivity, overwhelm, grief, even anger this time, take over and I turn inward. My inner processes ramp up and demand so much of my energy. I move in slow motion, it kind of feels as though I'm walking through molasses. It's not something I am choosing, but something that happens to me. At times I resent it, but resistance is futile and only adds onto the frustration, feeding it and slowing down the healing process.

I try to participate in regular life but have little to offer and struggle to cope with the demands placed on me. I withdraw my presence. It becomes routine that my husband picks up the slack that I've dropped, without question, and graciously refrains from expressing any frustrations that he may carry. I know it will pass, but it still takes tremendous efforts to accept this state, and I am riddled with guilt for the person I cannot be for my family and loved ones.

It is here where the frustrations with in my life bubble to the surface. With myself, my marriage, my relationships - they become all I can see. In my relationships I contemplate how much of these problems have to do with what I am not able to offer myself. I become critical of myself and others, so I leave the room, not wanting to hurt anyone. Aware of how disproportionate my perspective becomes, I am careful not to make any big moves until I can act from a clearer view. Adaptation.

I am beginning to emerge. Much of my ability to come up from the turbulent waters comes not from what I am doing but what I am not doing. Not resisting, or becoming frustrated with being frustrated, or criticizing myself for the disfunction of my emotions - I know from experience that it is these things that cause me to spiral deeper.

But also there are things I'm learning to do to help as well.

It is important to pay attention to my emotions and try to understand what they are asking for or find a way to release them. As soon as I deny their right, I start to feel them psychosomatically. They become trapped. Sometimes this just means allowing them to be, without judgment. Other times it means acting in a way to find what they need to be reconciled. I know now how crucial it is to practice self-compassion to avoid the spell of the negative.

I am faced with the constant challenge of acceptance - of self, of my state, of others. It takes great deliberation to debunk the negative perspective that is voiding the view. To focus on the small light that is offered in the cracks.

Also to give myself permission to lean on others when its hard, and accept whatever level of support they may (or may not) be able to offer at the time. Turns out I don't have to be this totally self-sufficient superhuman and I might be surprised at what another can offer to bring solutions to my confusion.

I know from living this cycle again and again, there is a function in this depression. I can't say I like it and if there was another (easier) way I would probably choose it. I know it is hard for those who care about me to understand it from the outside. They don't want to see me in pain. But hardships are part of life and have reasons for presenting themselves when they do. I try to remind myself of the messages I repetitively see from the people that inspire me. It is said in so many ways but the message is common, as in the words of Brene Brown, "Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light." I really believe this. However, practicing this concept is so much harder than it sounds. I see how people around me fear the the things that cause discomfort and will try at best to avoid going there. I do it too. It's uncomfortable, uncertain, and scary. Even though I now understand its ability to bring growth, it becomes hard when you are in the depths of it. But in my mid-thirties journey embodying this message of acceptance of, or perhaps even embracing, the darkness in life as a place where the greater things are rooted has never proved wrong, and every time I come out with an answer that helps move me forward.

I have spent a lot of time with my thoughts and have come to understand myself a little more. Most of this understanding, if not all, has come to me during the hard times. I have been contemplating the balance between my ability to self-support and my emotional dependency on others.  I have been exploring my truth, and am finding purpose in following it, expressing it and inspiring others to do the same through example. I've been reflecting on the amount of power I've given away through self-sacrificial practices, and am giving worth to my voice. I have become more aware of the ways I have been living according to what is expected of me rather than from an authentic place. I am giving myself permission to not have all the answers right now and to receive support from others. Again, I contemplate the balance between my needs and what I can offer to others. The purpose that lies in loving myself, in order to offer love, in unlimited quantities, to others.  It is these answers, and more, that lie in the function of my depression.

"Trust the process," I'm told. Perhaps the greatest challenge yet. When the light has disappeared from view and all you can see is the darkness, you become wrapped in uncertainty, the unknown. You must find trust in something greater than yourself to carry you along until there is light. Trust that there is a purpose for this experience you are going through and that something greater will come from it. I am beginning to understand. Each time I emerge from the depths of my depression, I come to a new understanding of myself, and growth comes from it. The next time I hit a wall I have a couple more tools to help me along my way. So I wade through the doubt, toward the hope that illuminates, sometimes so far in the distance, but its there. Even on days that I cannot see it, I don't think I ever lose the sense that something greater will come of this. Trust the process. This is what keeps me going.

Creativity, Extended

Recently I've had a strong desire to take my art to the next level. Yet I've had a great hesitation in sharing my art publicly. I contemplate the message I want to portray and the purpose for putting it out there. I've spent the last few days investigating the roots to this reservation.

About a year ago my purpose for painting shifted from something I created for the outside world to something I do as a therapy for myself (you can read more about that in this post). Art has become an expressive outlet and a coping mechanism when I become overwhelmed with the world around me. On my best days, when I get into the creative space I become calm and clear. The demands of the world diminish, the significance of how my work will be evaluated by others lifts, and I simply get immersed in the blissful process of creating.

"Exquisitely Untamed"*

However, I don't think I ever completely let go of what others think. It holds more weight at certain times than others, and considering another's view, if done moderately, can serve me positively. When I start to doubt my own work I will often share with my closest people, who become a vehicle of encouragement. I trust they will be honest with me and deliver their input in a supportive way. I want to see what I make from another's vantage, as I find value in the perspective that I cannot see.

While on vacation in Arizona a couple weeks ago, I found myself invigorated with inspiration as I walked through galleries of the Scottsdale Arts District. For the first time ever, I was able to envision my own art hanging on the future walls of those galleries. This was an encouraging sign of how far in confidence I've come over the last year and a half. I truly felt capable of getting to place where my art would be worthy of such display. I didn't think much about what attracted me to this idea, until just the other day.

In fact, recently I was invited to participate in a collaborative art show. I spent a month working on three pieces for the show. Switching back and forth between creating for the enjoyment and creating for the audience, my creativity and motivation stalled a number of times. I wrestled with the pressures I placed on myself to produce sellable art, which became inhibiting at times. Many times I wanted to give up but I had the lingering expectation of a deadline in play. Finding a balance in my expectations was crucial in order to allowing creativity to flow. In the end it was a good exercise in pushing myself through the doubtful voices and fears of failing and gave me a great sense of accomplishment to call them finished.

In talking to a friend about taking my art more seriously, as a career, I was advised to figure out what it is about doing art that I love the most and decide whether I want to share that with the world. At first I struggled to find an answer for this. Although the desire is there, I've been a little confused about my reasons for sharing or selling my art. I've realized that I had adopted the assumption that the only reason for an artist wanting to show their work publicly is to become known or recognized as an artist. But this doesn't quite resonate with me, nor does it fall in line with my values (in fact, the attention kind of makes me feel uncomfortable). Feeling conflicted by this narrow view has created a procrastination in starting something new. I now understand this hesitation as a result of questioning my intentions behind the desire to take my art to the next level, not wanting to want to do it for the wrong reasons. But deep down I know there is something else, something more driving this desire.

"After the Rain"*

I've recently immersed myself in learning about  the fascinating personality and work of Marina Abramovic, a performing artist who has spent her career expanding the the boundaries of art and the psyche. In a 2013 interview she offers advice to young artists, touching on what makes an artist and what makes a great artist. She says if your goal is to be famous and rich you can forget about being an artist, because success and money is not the aim of a great artist, it is just a side effect. This rang true for me, and again had me thinking about my reasons for envisioning my work on those gallery walls.

So if it is not for the attention or the fame or the money, I ask myself what is driving me to put my art out there, where does the attraction of creating for the public come from? I'm learning, much like in my writing, and many other areas of my life, for me it's all about connection.

Last Friday, I attended the opening reception for the show my art is in. As I observed from the sidelines, I noticed one viewer that seemed more invested in my work than anyone else. She spent a lot of time gazing at, talking about and expressively gesturing towards my work with a friend. When she finally moved away I humbly approached her and commented that I had noticed her looking. She asked if I was the artist and said to me, "I don't want to know your story." I wasn't completely sure what she meant by this, but decided to take it as a compliment and instinctively replied, "I feel things very deeply." She went on to explain that the girl in "Becoming" looked so much like her 12 year old daughter and that she saw herself in it too. It moved her so much it had brought her to tears. Then she told me she was going to buy it. I learnt that she had art on display as well. As hard as it was to see this painting taken off the wall so quickly (at that point it became very apparent how attached I had become) I knew it was going to the right person. I discovered a purpose in the idea that something I created from within was capable of resonating with another so deeply. I didn't know this person, but my artwork created a meaningful connection between us. We found a mutual comprehension of the expression this piece delivered. Through her affection for this painting I felt understood on a creative and emotional level, and it is my suspicion she felt her own version of this from me. And, perhaps the silverest of linings, something I created has something important to offer another, enough that she wanted to hang it in her home.

"Becoming"

So I think I have found my answer. Not unlike the role that my sister's art plays in my life (and many others), my art, in sharing with others, becomes a powerful tool in which the world potentially becomes a little more connected. The impact it has on the viewer, the ability to reach another human at an emotional level, is what motivates me to share what I create with the world.

So it is here that I will share my most recent creations with you, internet world. Whatever it may evoke within your soul, trigger in your emotions, or simply inspire in your creativity, it is my hope that it has something of worth to offer for you. Enjoy.

*Originals available for sale at the And Art Gallery in Davidson, SK