The Messenger

Summer, 2018. Taking respite in the hammock of our campsite, I had asked for some time alone as I was struggling immensely to keep from spiralling into a somewhat familiar state of depression. At the time my most important friendship was on the line. I couldn't stop thinking about it and the ambiguity of the unresolved was flooding my mind with anxious thoughts. I was doing my best to escape into a good read, but struggled to stay focused on the words before me. After taking in the tranquility of my surroundings I was greeted by a large raven. It seemed to have much to say. It settled on a branch high above me and cawed repetitively, loudly, as if trying to get my attention. There was no ignoring it, and I got a strong feeling it was speaking to me. I held very still as it flew to another tree near by, then another, as if making sure to be noticed. I felt vulnerable as the only one in its presence and slightly threatened by its perserverence. I didn't dare interrupt its offering so I remained quiet and small in my hammock, pretending to read my book. Although a bit nervous, I couldn't help but feel this raven was talking to me, sensing something curiously significant about this encounter. What struck me was the conviction of the raven's calls. Eventually, the raven flew away, leaving me alone again with my book and my thoughts. I felt an energetic impact through this exchange but couldn't articulate its significance. I told my family about this unique experience with nature when they returned.

Only months later, when I picked up a book on spirit-animals and read what Raven symbolizes, had I realized the link between that encounter and what I had been experiencing at the time.

"Raven symbolizes speaking up for yourself. When you encounter a raven it means there is a situation coming your way where you will need to voice your feelings instead of holding your tongue. Also healing oneself from within - reaching through the darkness to find and resolve your inner conflicts." - Llewellun's Little Book of Spirit Animals

Shortly after returning home my depression dipped to a desperate low. Through some introspection I had recognized, as I often do, I was neglecting my own needs out of the needs of another. I had been trying to respect my friend's space, making myself available to her but leaving the conflict unresolved until she was ready to confront the situation. However, ambiguity is one thing I really struggle with. When I don't have an answer I need I anxiously think up any possible conclusion and often feel these imagined scenarios as if they were really happening, over and over, especially those that confirm my insecurities.  It was driving me into a deeper hole of depression and anxiety. The uncertainty was creating a hopelessness and I needed some answers to stop from spiralling further down. At this point any communication with my friend was limited and impersonal. I wrote an email to her asking for just enough clarity to ease my needs. She replied and respectfully responded to my needs, giving me the answers I asked for. It was that simple. This opened up communication and triggered the healing of our friendship.

My conversation with the raven was timely. Although I didn't understand the reason for the raven's presence at the time, something within me knew the time to speak up and ask for what I needed. These two events could be simply considered as coincidence, and that's ok. But for me, connecting those dots gives me a sense of belonging in this world. Finding connection in the encounters with the world that surrounds us reinforces my growing understanding of spirituality and where I fit in to the great equation.

The universe works in mysterious ways. But the idea of a greater force beyond us as individuals creates a certain confidence in the uncertainty - the ambiguity - the very thing that has fuelled my dehabilitating anxiety over the last few years. Somehow having a sense that we are not in charge of controlling everything that goes on in our lives, and giving some of that accountabililty to the universal will, gives me a sense of liberation. I'm finding when I can embody the attitude that everything is going to be ok, I can live more fully without the restraints of anxiety in the uncertainty holding me back.

It is ok to not know the answers, especially if you consider something beyond yourself has your back. And it is ok to ask for the answers when you need them, whether it be from a friend, or the forces of a greater unknown.