Last night I unlocked a new room of compassion in my heart. A gentle voice inside telling me that I was deserving of love. Of the affection from my husband that I so often turn away from because I don't trust it, because I don't trust that I deserve it. But last night, permission, and with it a stitch of slight repair in the long time disrupted connection between us. Soft tears rolled down my cheeks in this knowing.
Today there is a familiar fragile feeling inside. It does not come with words, just a sense that I am bracing against something and that my strength could falter in any moment. Like a sob between my throat and chest, waiting for its queue. I paused and looked a little closer. It almost felt like I was being picked on...but there was no one around to poke at me. Except me. All this happens beneath the language and it takes a still still quiet to even know it. But today there is a part of me that recognizes that it is me, the ways I view myself, my worth, my deservingness.
What is that? Oh right, the familiar 'I am not good enough.' And just as I acknowledge it, a rush of emotion flushes to my forehead. Here the frustration. I know I have this trapped inside of me and I want it away, but that simply does not do the trick. In fact, the resistance only seems to make it push harder. I know it has roots that go deep down to my toes. I know that to pull on its head will only bring tension throughout my body. I am so aware of it and the fact that I don't know what to do about it creates a pounding in my head.
But wait, what is that I hear, so subtle and soft? 'I do know?' I do know. For now my job is to acknowledge, respect, accept and love it for the ways it has served me. Loosen my attachment and for now, focus what I could grow around it, the things that serve me better now. When the time is right I will venture deep into the dark soil at which its roots first established and breath new life into them, when I am ready. The change will be felt throughout my body and it will be intense and possibly even painful at first, because it has become so embedded in my body, but the transformation that ensues will liberate all the pieces that this piece has dug its claws into. And the new life will loosen its grip. I will be free to move in ways that I forgot I was able to. I will no longer default to the self-sabitoge that feeds this rigid creature beneath my skin, but it will be love. It will set the emotion free to flow as it wishes, just like in that rare precious moment last night.
