I'm so overwhelmed. I am overwhelmed by everything going on around me and everything going on within me. There really is no escaping from it. But maybe there are things I can do to lessen it. Sometimes I do that by not leaving my house, sometimes even not leaving my bed. I escape into fixes, some are healthy, others not. One in particular has been coming to battle in my conscience. I have been feeling an urge to get off social media again. But then the idea of it brings on panic. Which, probably, is the very reason I should log off.
I have a lot of problems with social media and its play on our mental health, yet I am in there with a shirt as dirty as the next guy. I'm sort of aware of the ways I am being manipulated by the platform, and my consented participation (and refusal to read the fine print) is kind of an agreement to let myself be manipulated. But then I get a sense that I am not as aware as I think. So I am aware that I am unaware of many ways technology is making me mad.
I've taken breaks from Facebook and I can say I have had no regrets in doing so. The only regrets I have are the ways I re-entered the scene just to get convincingly sucked back in and folded ever so neatly right back into those addictive patterns. I can't help but notice that part of this familiar cycle I am in, willingly manipulated by the algorithms of my phone. yuck. I suppose though, its like any addiction. Even through admittance, the 'it' still controls the joystick.
So I have myself, from an observer perspective, sitting here in my house, surrounded by my overwhelm, contemplating my next move. Do I quit Facebook? Panic. But all the what ifs! What if I need Facebook to sell my art or make connections? But what if I need a Facebook account to participate in this online course I am taking? But what if I am not in the loop? What if I miss out!? What if I get lonely? What if I have a RESPONSIBILITY to stay on for everyone who follows me (aaaaaaaaagh!)?
Ha! I know the thing making me most lonely is probably social media...and my sense of self, which some days hangs on the marionette strings of social media.
(Meanwhile I ignore the subject of Instagram, because obviously Instagram is not a problem. Even though it is run by the same company. And probably uses the same manipulations. And likely does the same tricks to keep pulling me in. But no, Instagram isn't a problem.)
This what if anxiety or FOMO (fear of missing out) comes from the addiction, all this behaviour I choose to feed the addiction feeds the anxiety, a perpetual cycle so loud that it drowns out voice of the logic. So I know all this. I am subtly aware, yet I still choose it. At what point do I make myself accountable, and at what point do I take this accountability to make a change? I have taken on a victim role enough times in my life to know its limited capacity that confines me to its illusionary boundaries.
So what if I quit social media? It seems a little goofy this is even a blog-worthy topic, as my embarrassed fingers type this out. But I cannot deny how big a part of my life social media has become, so yes, I guess it kinda is. What if I replaced the time I spend scrolling with sketching....working towards a dream I have rather than escaping from it into my smartphone? What if I used that time learning a new joke from my 8 year old, or teaching my 10 year old to make a friendship bracelet, or building a lego truck with my son? What would I be missing? Or should I say, what wouldn't I be missing?
Zooming out on my life helps to put things into perspective. From a birds eye view, taking this here and now as a blip in time, allows me to see what is important . What will serve me and mine not just now, but down the road, and the bigger picture? It also helps with the overwhelm, suddenly down-playing all the important-seeming stuff around me on the ground I stand upon. Truthfully, at the end of my life this minor debate may not matter much. What will matter is that I did the best I could with what I had. And what I have now is choice, neither right or wrong, but each a gateway to separate paths.
I close my eyes and tune in. I think about staying on Facebook. It's comfortable in an overwhelming kind of way. Perhaps the overwhelm is part of the addiction. It's familiar and what I currently know. Then I think about logging off. It's uncomfortable...but yet there's a sense of liberation in this prospect, a detachment of the strings on my will, a shift in focus. And when I listen a little deeper, there is a quiet yet resounding voice, undoubtedly saying, "do it."
