I've spent a lot of energy during the last couple years paying attention to my authenticity and working on the concept that who I am is enough. Steering away from trying to fit into an image that I think others would prefer and navigating the land of my truth. This is motivated by the understanding that trying to be something I am not sucks away my energy and that leading a more authentic life will set me free.
Since becoming aware of how much of my image is fabricated from what others think of me, I've been exploring the amount of validation I want to accept from others, versus how much I should rely on myself. Depending on my emotional state and confidence, this changes constantly. Sometimes I want to take it to the extreme and not care at all what others think of me, and be totally self-sufficient when it comes to my confidence, but I have to remember that as humans we are co-dependent and we need to rely on a level of validation from others. It is pretty normal to care what someone else thinks. It is when what they think has you hustling for their approval in a way that pulls you so far away from who you really are that it becomes a false expression of our true selves. This is not a clear line, in fact it often confuses me. Especially coming from a place where I thought I didn't care as much as I did. Only recently have I become so aware of how much I fed off the praise of my achievements, as it was through these successes (academics, athletics, creativity) that determined most how I identified myself, growing up.
Authenticity has earned a spot at the top of my core values. However to be authentic is a vulnerable experience. It requires discarding the cover-ups that we use to stay 'safe,' and facing those fears of third party evaluation. At the same time there are other factors that play in when putting your whole self out there, and it is important to consider how it affects other values and other people involved.
One way I like to challenge myself in this light is through my blog. When I write I am exposing a side of myself that I have rarely talked about, even most of my family hasn't been privy to many of my emotional experiences. So I have developed a ritual in deciding whether or not to publish each post. Prior to clicking publish I make sure to ask myself each of the following questions:
"What is my intention behind sharing this?" If my answer is for attention, I won't share it. If it is an honest expression of my thoughts, feelings, experiences or beliefs then I move to the next question.
"What does this post offer to others? Is there a significant message or silver lining?" It is this message that gives me a purpose to put the writing out there for others to see. I have many private posts I've written as a way to sort out my thoughts or to express myself, that I will not share because they were written for myself and I feel they don't serve a purpose for others.
"Will what I've written hurt or offend any of the readers?" Sometimes I write about experiences that involve others in my life. I'd never want to compromise the dignity of another in publishing a blog post. If sharing what I write risks causing hurt to another, it just isn't worth the trade off.
"Is this written from an authentic place? Is it true to me?" The answer to this one is especially important and if the answer is yes, I always find the courage to put it out there, regardless of the judgement that might be out there. Because if it is coming from my truth, and if I deem my voice as worthy as the next guy's then I owe it to myself to allow it to be seen. There is a breath of fresh air in this.
Saying that, putting myself out there is still very hard for me. I'm generally a pretty private person, and quite sensitive to criticism. The minute I press share, although the answers to the questions above satisfy, I feel anxious. This usually lasts through the rest of the day, doubts swimming around in my head - of whether my writing has any value, whether anyone will read it, and if they do, whether they will think it's ridiculous or disagree. But at the same time I know by doing so, by facing my big fear of rejection (judgement and criticism) I am working to give my voice more confidence, and from this comes a a sense of liberation. I find a freedom in not allowing a need for validation from others to keep me quiet. Also, this allows the purpose of blogging to take priority. In working to let go of needing any response from my readers I can take comfort in the the mere chance that sharing my journey could help even one person, just as hearing about other's experiences has helped me.
I know it is hard to let go of how you are perceived and judged by the world, and there is probably some sort of survival mechanism embedded deeply in our desire to do so. But I do think our society has carried this to an level of influence where we, more than not, tend to become someone that comes from an image outside of ourselves instead of what we're really made of. As a result we behave in a way that takes us beyond our defence and serves as a detriment to our emotional survival.
I dream of a place where individuality is celebrated over conformity. Where we encourage one another to look deep inside and listen carefully to what their voice is telling them, and to have the courage to follow it. Where we stop judging one another out of fear, insecurity and self-preservation. It's an upstream journey, living in our truth when so much of what we see and hear is telling us to join the rest of the crowd and move downstream. But following the path meant for you will take you to the place that you can call your own, that gives you the breathing room to really discover yourself. There is strength in your raw truth but it takes courage to find it. If you tune inward and are willing to stand on your own you will discover the freedom that takes place away from the crowd.
"You are only free when you realize you belong no place - you belong every place - no place at all. The price is high. The reward is great." ~ Maya Angelou
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