The road that led to this farmhouse was narrow, steep and curvy. The house had an abandoned look and no one had lived in it for some time, even the for sale sign was missing letters. In my dream Rod and I had decided to buy it on a whim, impulsively, something quite out of character for us. I kept bringing up this fact to others in confronting my fears on the decision. The old house was so big, beautiful, and full of flaws. The floors were heaving and tilted, I worried about the foundation being solid enough. The first day we got this house we had just planned to look at it and show it to my parents. But this turned into an exploration as we began to peel back cheap fixes to reveal the original structures beneath. Again revealing its innate beauty and potential, yet in dire need of maintenance. I flipped back and forth between feeling like it was so right for us to strong insecurities about the stability of the structure. With the insecurities the view out the windows transformed into a golf course, cityscape and disappointment.
People started showing up. Some were there to help, but most were there just to take up space, many acting reckless. At times I was naked or in just a robe. Vulnerability. More and more people came to visit. Before I knew it we were trying to entertain in a house that didn't properly function. The previous owners, a large extended family, came and expressed their grief over the house that they had abandoned. It wasn't good enough for them, but they mourned the loss of it and the changes being made. The house filled with people inside and out, coming and going. The toilets weren't working yet and the water was not usable, and people started to feel ill. It was chaos.
Sometimes when I wake up from a dream I instantly know there is a significance in its symbolism. A metaphor of something current I am dealing with in my life.
I've been drumming up a dream bigger than me. Initially as it flowed in it felt electric and each day brought more on it. I couldn't stop thinking about it, believing in it and telling others about it. They got excited and encouraged me with a "Yes!" It was an energetic momentum that propelled me through my days with an extra skip in my step. I saw a need in our community and an empty spot at the head of the table. I thought, "Why not me?"
It wasn't long for the anxiety to set in. At first I was blindsided by it hitting me at a time when I thought I was managing my mood cycles so well, the anxiety seemed out of character. Until I realized that I don't sit too comfortable too long and I was transitioning into another expansion. One mountain conquered, onto the next. It was new, significant, and uncertain. Of course, anxiety. Whether it was the weight of the anxiety, intensity of the full moon, or natural flow of my cycles, the momentum slowed and I did too. I became a bit more grounded, facing many doubts about this dream, feeling a bit in over my head, and confused as to where to start and what it would look like. "Why me? What do I know about building a community up? What do I know about creating change this big?"
My love and fear for that farmhouse were a reflection of my feelings for this dream. Somewhere, deep down in my heart's centre I hold fast to this dream, despite the feelings and thoughts that try to knock it down. I hold onto the memory of the inspired moments and the energy they had created, the initial decision to make the purchase. Because, like that house, I see such a potential. In the dream I never once decided to give up on the house, despite the people that got in the way, and interestingly, throughout the dream, my parents and husband stayed committed to the renovations, understanding and sharing some of my doubts, but moving forward with willingness.
So in service to a greater purpose, I make a vow. When I lose momentum, I find the encouragement of my cheer team and rely on their energy to help me along. Acceptance is key. I know I will face resistance, people reluctant to change and people just getting in the way. Like moon and sun, winter and summer, this dream will be subject to its seasons. There will be a time to work on the dream house, and there will be a time to stay idle, I am reminded to not rush through the process if I want to ensure a solid foundation. Accept the difficulties as part of a building process. Small steps, bottom up, trust, patience, teamwork. Remain fixed on its potential beauty. And most of all, remain tuned into my heart's greatest desires, the originator of this dream.
No comments:
Post a Comment