I've always been uncomfortable with conflict. I was the child who veered clear of it as much as I can. I was the adult who abandoned myself to keep the harmony (and still does time to time).
One of six siblings within a ten year span, daily conflict was inevitable. Three of my siblings were easily set off and often either on the stirring end or receiving end of the fights. Three of us were pleasers and sensitive. We got along best with each other and occasionally fought with the others, but remained pretty compliant so to avoid any negative attention. I recall my sister just older than me and my brother just younger than me getting disciplined and it scared me so. But I learned young to play the cards that were expected of me to keep the peace and avoid negative attention that came of deviating from expectations. This message was not only in my family dynamics but consistent with our culture, and still is today. Positive attention for living up to others expectations. Shamed for expressing ourselves in un-liked ways. Shamed for being different, wrong, or anything other than the status quo.
I watch the world around me, more and more people coming into their voices quite aggressively. I don't know their intentions behind the advocacy and neither is it my position to judge whether their approach is right or wrong, good or bad. All I know is I am not called to use my voice in that sense. I am called to express gently, in ways that bring people back to love and harmony, in ways to validate their challenges, and in ways that do not hurt others. So when I see the division between groups of people, leaders and patrons, abiders and anti-maskers, it feels as if my heart itself is splitting in two. I see how we lose sight of the issue that seems so much larger to me, and get caught up in righteousness. My tendency when I feel powerless is to withdraw, surrender feeling as if I have no power. But in given time as I sit back, contemplation brings me home to myself, and it is only when I can remove myself from the noise that I find my voice. It is a noisy world and I have to be very intentional about making the space to do this, so that I can act from a space of my own conviction.
In this space I learn that my position isn't what is important in the big conflict. My actions don't determine my power. My power lies in my conviction while respecting others in theirs. I realize how caught up we get in needing to be right. Our conditioned sense of worth is tangled up with this need for righteousness.
I feel it every time I come across someone who has a different opinion or stance than I do, my ego flairs up. I do one of two things, depending on which value is on shift in that situation. If it's harmony from which I am sourcing my sense of worthiness I start to questions myself, especially if the opposing person is someone who aligns with me in many ways, or someone I hold close to my heart and respect greatly. I doubt my own beliefs that just minutes prior I stood so firmly in, questioning my understanding. Swayed to avoid the shame of being wrong to another, I begin to abandon myself. This is a threatening place to be, especially when you have been working so hard to return to yourself. The disharmony puts me in a head-spinning anxiety and I resort to old worth-hustling patterns by needing to please and keep the peace.
With others, my husband for example, I tend to lock down in my need to be right. I fear abandoning my position and I fear being proved 'wrong,' automatically armouring up to defend and offend. I stop hearing his view and dig my feet deep into my own arrogance and ignorance. Neither of us ends up heard nor validated in our view. It often creates a tension that mutates into other issues. We are too focused on the hurt and victimhood. We are too focused on all the ways we need to prove ourselves right, because if someone, especially someone we love and (think we) respect, their differing stance makes us wrong...creating a mountain of shame (because remember, our society doesn't accept 'otherness.').
However, if we were to love unconditionally, accept respectfully our differences and agree to disagree, we might open ourselves enough to each other to actually expand on our limited perspective. We might come back home to ourselves, reintegrate another viewpoint into our own and learn a thing or two. We might be able to find a mutual ground to stand in together, even in our individual differences. Not unlike the ceremonial shaking of hands between opposing teams after a competitive sporting event. What if we didn't place so much importance on being right or being the best, smartest, loudest and at the end of it could look back and simply say "good game," respecting all the players involved. Or what if we didn't wait until the end to respect each other in their opposition. Only when we can stand firmly in our highest selves do we really come from this place. For me sometimes that means stepping away from the noise of it all, from the push and pull around me that tends to knock me off my footing. And other times that means finding my footing right in the middle of the commotion, returning to myself amidst the chaos, responding from this place of purity even when it means disrupting the harmony or the current dynamic.
I know one thing only. My highest self does not shame others. Nor does she have to defend herself, because she stands so assured in her own worth that there is no need to be further validated. She does not take on the responsibility of changing others, accepting them for where they are at. She only positions herself in the power of influence through the highest of love. Her worth is full and comes from a place greater than the need to be right or to prove others wrong. And when I can create space to embody this version of myself, it is when I feel at peace the most, and it becomes so clear to me that right and wrong actually do not exist.
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