I've been advised to write, the advice coming from within and from without. I notice the friction between wanting to write, even needing to and not taking action. There is a deep resistance in me that I don't quite understand, it shows up as avoidance by simply not doing. Thinking about it but not taking action. Lately the nudge is telling me that in writing every day I will help alleviate my emotional congestion. But routine is such a challenge for me to implement. I do not like to be fixed into responsibility that goes beyond what I am feeling in the moment. And even at that, I put it off often when I feel the desire or urge to write or release. I believe the resistance to be rooted more deeply, but cannot quite put my finger on it. Perhaps it does not matter?
Yet for change to happen I typically need to understand what's at the root of the thing I want to change. I don't know whether this is a control thing, or motivation thing? I have to work extra hard to let go of the needing to know and accept the things I do not understand, trusting the flow. And other times I find that knowing or figuring out helps me to recognize the patterns holding me back and making the change from that place of understanding.
I know I am a gifted writer and I have proven to myself how releasing it can be. I recall writing a confrontational letter to a friend the day I came to one of the most important revelations in my journey. I had ended the letter admitting that my problem was I didn't trust my inner voice. I wrote that I needed to pay attention to and trust it and that this was the answer I had been so desperately seeking for some time. The words flowed through my fingertips to the keyboard like water, as if someone else was typing through my body. Yet I knew it was a message for myself disguised through this letter for my friend. I watched it take place, reread it and let out a big sigh of relief. My shoulders dropped and the waterworks began. After months of what felt like floating between identities, my foot finally found new ground. It was one of the most powerful feelings of realization that came simply from an expression beyond my conscious intention.
When I allow it, I can experience versions of this through my writing. It usually comes more easily in conversation with a trusted companion, even through text message. It always requires a certain level of trust with the person I am conversing with that allows me to let go of any concern for judgement. The greater the rapport, the more easily words flow, and I often re-read what I have wrote to take in the wisdom that had just spelled out of me. Lately I have started saving some of my text messages. I receive feedback from my confidants that I have a special talent for articulating experiences that they have trouble putting words to. I suppose this is one of my gifts, and something I would love to expand on.
So if it is judgement or concern for judgement that births my reservation, I suppose the thing that keeps me from writing without an audience could be the fear/avoidance of my own judgement. Gah! This is such a tough one and one of my greatest barriers since the beginning of my conscious journey. In fact my earliest awareness came from statements I noticed were being relayed to me from my trusted supports. "You are really hard on yourself," they would say, in one way or another. The critical voice is loud and ingrained deeply in me, a core wound, one could say (and quite very human). Most of my life I thought this critical voice was serving me in ways I now realize were actually holding me back from my greater potential. So I have been chipping away diligently at this boulder for the last four years, but it's foundation is rooted especially deep. I have to make special effort to notice the critical voice of not enough-ness, or lack of trust in the merit of the information that flows from within me (as opposed to information coming from outside of me). For example, leaning into the trust in this little realization I just came to at the top of this paragraph even in the light that I seem to have pulled it out of my yin yang. It has been a slow trust-building process with myself, but I must remember that I am unraveling re-wiring thirty-plus years of doing.
Today I will take a chance to believe that I have great knowledge in me, to understand myself and others in ways guided by my intuition over what I have been told. To consider that everyone else doesn't always know better than me, especially when it comes to what's best for me. There are times I may be wrong, but I am learning that when I lean into this trust, more than not something is gained (regardless of whether I am right or wrong). I am learning that not being right is not the greatest stake of risk. The risk is in not being truthful. Not trusting my own truth, my own intuition, my own ability to make decisions, my own knowing. So I take chances, through a gained understanding that life has lessons no matter which path you take, which conviction you lean into. There is no perfection because everything is perfect in its imperfection. There is no wrong and right, because every path we choose offers opportunity. We are not here to be perfect and right, nor to take the easy way out. I believe that we are here to grow and learn and continue our journey across lifetimes as part of a greater evolution. (I could be misunderstanding it all, but that is beside the point) I have found such value in the trust I have gained through these knowing bits of myself, the stuff that comes out of mystery from the inside out. It seems to be working for me, so I think I'll continue to roll with it.
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